i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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