Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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