My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
