Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
