we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
