hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
