my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
