my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
