If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
