I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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