dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
