apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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