I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
