You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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