does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
