I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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