My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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