Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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