Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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