i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night