Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
