Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
