return my video game
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
