Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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