You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
