the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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