i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
