I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
