hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
