I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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