You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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