Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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