Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
accomplished twins. life is a go
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Im part way to drunk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
