mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Randomize
