One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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