I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
