are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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