trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
