I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
