The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize