Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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