No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
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He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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