just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
