I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
even my farts smell like vagina
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
