Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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