I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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