so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
