oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
