i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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