she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
