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i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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