I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
