i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
