I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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