we're making bets on your personal life
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
