I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
