I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
