this beer tastes like vomit already
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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