I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
