NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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